My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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