We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
