i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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