i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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