I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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