sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
