Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
