can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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