can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
