Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
