You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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