you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
