My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
