her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
