i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You are a genius and a whore.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize