im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
