My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He's on the porch naked. Help.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
