Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Im part way to drunk.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
