she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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