U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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