he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I yelled at your uterus for you.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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