Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
