i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
