i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
