if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
