I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
