Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize