I'd wear matching sweaters with you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
