He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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