when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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