Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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