Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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