you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
