Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
