Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize