Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
