I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I AM VODKA MAN
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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