hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
