my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
