Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
