I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize