she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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