Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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