Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize