and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
