How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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