I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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