My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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