last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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