I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
