I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
