watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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