i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
