someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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