you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Semen is not good for contacts.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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