Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
