I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
