He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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