she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
