I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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