i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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