I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The air was thick with penises
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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