Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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