she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
