No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
