accomplished twins. life is a go
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
