Capitaan dildo arrescate!
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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