I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Someone signed my nipple.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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