someone threw a dead crab at me
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
