Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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