We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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